::Place Sticker Here::

Beginnings and Endings

2009-07-07T00:56:18Z

I'm going to be deleting my journal exactly one month from today. If this is your primary/preferred/only method of contacting me, send a message here within the month and I'm 100% happy to give a new method. And there's always myspace: www.myspace.com/EilonwyZena

I've come to a new and different part of my life, and I find that an online journal is superfluous at this point. Most of what people use these for is to complain or rant and that phase seems to be over for me. I am in a long term, committed relationship with the man of my dreams. I have a job...make that 4. My family is as stable as they're ever going to be and I have cut my drinking to only a drink every now and then to unwind with my boyfriend. Those people that are my friends know who they are, and speak with me regularly enough and deeply enough that they don't have to keep tabs on me via an internet source.

LJ has been a part of my life since my freshman year of high school. This has been a turbulent time full of excitement, drama and every possible in-between emotion a teenager/twenties can feel and many things have changed since then. It's kind of a wonder that I made it out in one piece! ...err, the ear excepted. I hope to be moving into calmer waters now. Thanks for reading, understanding and being entertained by my weird life.

XO
~K

A Taste of Shakespeare

2009-04-30T19:17:35Z

I'm auditioning for the Renn Faire tomorrow...I can't go to the callbacks because a very dear friend is getting married that day and I wouldn't miss it for anything. So I'm comfortable in the knowledge that I can't actually DO the Faire this year (maybe next year or something) but I'm going to try out since it scares the crap outta me. I realize that every time I think about the auditions I get borderline narcoleptic. I have changed songs three times already and probably will change another three before tomorrow. I realize that I'm better than 95% of the actors there, 75% of the dancers and about 50% of the combatants. I have no clue about the singers...I never saw any! So the fact that I should get in is apparent. The thing is, I haven't been on an arcane monologue audition in I-cant-remember-how-long. Further, this is MY time period. It terrifies me that if I don't get in I will have failed at everything I love. Which is totally my mind playing tricks on me (since the opinion of a small panel of hoo-ha's can't designate what I am and am not good at) but it's still tap dancing around the inside of my skull.

The one thing that makes me comfortable is the monologue. Because I have my Shakespeare monologues so ingrained in my system that even if I have a total blackout I could still do any of three monologues. Fully cognizant, there's about 7. The odd thing is I haven't done these pieces since Adler...and that's about 3 years and counting. But the language is still stimulating and the words still come tripping right out without a second thought. They still make me feel and think and act. They say that Shakespeare directs from the grave and never have I agreed so much. So even if I don't opt to sing tomorrow (and my voice teacher WILL kill me) all I have to do is start talking and my audition will be fine. Wish I could bring a sword just to HAVE there. Several of my friends have remarked that I look most comfortable with my wrist resting on a rapier.

Open Letter to Paul

2009-03-04T23:25:49Z

Dear Paul,

Remember when we used to refer to someone in my life as Casper? Well, I’m running out of cute and ghostly nicknames, so you’d better reappear. Seriously, I’m worried. With most people this would be an epic pain in the ass, but you’re another story. You were my best friend; we talked every day and went out almost every week. We talked about everything…I made a DRESS on the phone with you for chrissakes, we talked so damn much. I miss you.

If this is some stupid “my girlfriend doesn’t like you” bullshit, admittedly, I’m going to be pissed. But knowing you it’s something far more pressing and serious. And whatever it is, I want to be there for you and with you. That’s how we do. At this point I’m getting a txt a month from you and both have been cryptic and promising explanation soon. So when will you explain? I want to know you’re okay. I’ve stopped trying to call because you didn’t answer and you never respond to my txts. I mean, I’d be scared that you enlisted but I know you can’t be in the military.

So let me in on the big secret and come the fuck back. If the band was too much pressure we won’t do the band. But I need my beach gang with me this summer and you’re missing out on all kinds of fun shit. Please let me know you’re okay. Sorry to be posting this letter where everyone can see it, but I’m out of ideas and I wanted you to know that I’m worried and I miss you.

Love,
~K

I miss Lauren!!!

2009-02-08T06:39:52Z

Gakked from liquidamber
Rules: It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag 10 people. Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real. . .nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name: Katrina

2. A four Letter Word: keep

3. A boy's Name: Ken

4. A girl's Name: Kara

5. An occupation: King

6. A color: kahki

7. Something you wear: Kombat Boots (yep, I tried)

8. A food: Kale

9. Something found in the bathroom: kurl kreme (yes, it's a real product!)

10. A place: Kalamazoo

11. A reason for being late: Kittens

12. Something you shout: Kill!!!!!!!!

13. A movie title: Kate and Leopold

14. Something you drink: Kamakazi

15. A musical group: Kalmah

16. An animal: Kangaroo!

17. A street name: Kane Street

18. A type of car: kiddie-car (hey, it didn't specify!)

19. A song title: Kickstart My Heart

20. A verb: kidnap

Gakkaroo from the Hoopmeister (can ya tell I'm tired?)

2009-01-29T14:57:39Z

The first ten people to respond to this post will get something made by me!
My choice.
For you.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

* I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!

* What I create will be just for you.

* It'll be done this calendar year.

* I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

* You have no clue what it's going to be.

The catch: you have to put this in your journal as well. Spread the creativity around!

Pursue the truth, no matter where it lies....

2009-01-18T03:38:51Z

I just spent way too much time on Gossip Girl. I mean, hell week in theater ain't got nothin' on this. And I wish someone had been taping it because we could be our own show. I experienced every genre of movie out there:

Action: "If he takes off his pants, I get stunt pay", and George climbing the rickityest ladder I've ever seen to the ceiling of a bigass theater! And for some reason I am required to spar everyone on this set. It's amazing. But I might start training with Q. He's the girl's bodyguard and 6'4 of muscle. He's so cool!!!

Comedy: Pretty much every word outta these guys' mouths was random, inappropriate and hysterical. And our resident loon, a 60-year-old man who was seriously out to lunch. We had two nicknames for him: Poet (because he said he wrote Cats before Andrew Lloydd Webber did...TS Eliot had nothing to do with it, obvi!) and MC Crazy, because the looner thought he was a rapper. We were in stitches. He was the one for whom I get stunt pay if his pants come off.

Drama: I walk away from the stupid cat fights. Unfortunately one found me. The new background PA decided to single someone out and pick on em to prove his power. That someone was me, because it was me and these 5 guys who were the comic relief for the last 5 days. We kept everyone entertained and smiling as much as poss because we were all so goofy. I'm always happy on set, and everyone there knows me...look, I'm lucky, I love my job when it isn't killing me! So everyone knows me as the happy resident goth of GG. So when this bastard effectively threatens my job, I got really upset. He said I was unprofessional (of all the things...really?!?!), so I sat where I was supposed to sit and didn't move or speak to anyone because I was scared I'd cry. Finally I got the cry-impulse under control and explained to a buddy of mine in crew why I suddenly looked like a real goth. He got kinda pissed about the situation. And apparently a whole bunch of people in the crew, along with him, piped up at the new jerk and said that he was wrong about me and to stand off. For as upset as I am at this guy's actions, I'm 10 times happier to hear that everyone loves me...and will stand up for me!

Tragedy: Leighton's dress. But we (being me and the boys) were all happy it was totally backless. She has a beautiful back. Or is just beautiful in general. ::sigh::

War: yes, there was a foodfight. A small one.

Strange/Surreal: I had a set dream (they happen, after 75 hours on set, they REALLY happen) where the AD called picture and a phone vibrated (punishable by death, fyi), so I was shocked when Francis, on A Cam. turned to me and said "you'll want to check that one". I woke up and checked my phone, really mad that I was awake at 4:40am when I was only going to get 5 hours of sleep as it was. And it was a txt from Ken!! Weird.

and finally...

Romance: What can I say, he's cute. And we became the on-set couple because we look cute next to each other because we're both really short, so we were placed together in every scene. "Have them make out, come on guys, make out!" was the running joke...that turned out not to be a joke! The good news is he's a serious fighter and watches kung-fu movies like I do...skip the mush, get to the fights! Then watch em several times! We're going on a date tomorrow night because we both really need to study up for the SAG awards. We're a bit behind seeing as we were both on set for the entire week. I'm sure as hell not looking, but if I find something I find it.

The other thing that I was very pleased with was I was able to have a very small glass of single-barrel JD (heaven!!) and not want more or feel spazzy for wanting alcohol. While I know I'm not supposed to drink anything, I don't think that's necessary. Being drunk is out of the question. But I would very much like to enjoy my favorite kinds of alcohol in small quantities and I think I can do that. Let's see what happens.

I feel so good right now. I know I'm going to get some decent money this week and I'm feeling very inspired to work on finding an agent. On the whole I'm feeling the best I've felt in a long time. I'm looking forward to the future and thinking that if things go well, maybe I'll wait til 30 to kick it.

"On your toes, woman!"

2009-01-06T03:20:50Z

Life makes sense again. I'm sorry to be cryptic, but this I deserve to keep all for meself. I am happy and healthy again...and it's good to be back.

I'm also back at the gym and, moreover, back to dancing. I forgot how much a part of me that dance is. I did it since I was so young and to have given up and forgotten what it was to move my body was a terrible waste of time. I can feel my blood in my veins, my breath in my heart and like my whole body is one unit, rather than limbs, torso and a heavy skull. Club dancing is great, and I can't wait to go out on Wednesday night, but going to a class really forces me to watch myself and my technique. My posture's sloppy, my shimmies are spastic and GOD help me if I'm supposed to pick up my feet. Yes, I'm still better than anyone else in the class, but that's not what it's about. And the teacher is a sweetheart and picks on me constantly. Which forces me to really work rather than getting frustrated. I was so tired tonight after work that dragging my ass to the gym was going to be an hour long workout and then bed. I saw Sharqui and went straight in...after the hour workout. And now I'm taking a break from dancing in my room. Guess I had some energy after all.

I know what I have to do with myself now. And luckily I have time to do it. All my life I've been fighting the world, and now I have something worth fighting for. The catch? I can't fight with aggression and anger...those are the things I have to fight. I love when irony catches up and bites me in the butt. But I feel great.

purple_rockstar @ 2008-12-22T13:10:00

2008-12-22T18:31:41Z

There is nothing in the world quite like a Jewish grandmother to set the record straight. I don't know what it is, but I swear my Bubbie might be the smartest person in the world. She's definitly the most loving. When I called and said I was going through hell, she wanted me to come and visit and now I'm here and she was right. This is exactly what I need.

It's so strange having grown up with my father making me believe that my mother's side of the family are all religious fanatics. Yes, they're frum, but they're not crazy. And any time I make a mistake (because I'm not so familiar with all of the rules) I'm gently corrected and I learn from it. My father always made it out that they would make a big deal of mistakes. I'm learning more and more just how manipulative he really is. But rather than addressing it with anger, Bubbie is trying to teach me how to deal with it in other ways. She says that anger is his way, and I certainly don't want to follow in his footsteps. The way she lives is amazing. Being Jewish has never been a part of my life (mostly because of my father) but she almost makes me want to be. The love she has for her husband, her family and her community are astounding, especially considering that she hasn't had an easy life. But to be so full of love and happiness is something I aspire to and lucky for me I have two very great teachers.

Last night I said the shmaa before bed (which I've been doing inexplicably since Thanksgiving) and modeh ani in the morning. It really didn't have anything to do with god, jury's still out and I still think I'm far more pagan than anything else. I said it because it is a tie between my grandparents, my aunts, uncles and cousins and me. It's a reminder that I have a functional family even if it's not the people I grew up with. It's a reminder that I don't always have to be angry at the world because even if all of my friends turn their backs on me, I still have my family.

purple_rockstar @ 2008-12-07T23:02:00

2008-12-08T04:03:27Z

Somtimes I think I believe too much. Other times I seem to be the child that just won't learn that the pain in his hand is from placing it on the hot stove all the time.

Angry Fat Chick

2008-11-25T01:26:16Z

I'm too tired to go to the gym, which makes me really angry. I know that this is when I'm supposed to fight it off, but I don't know how. So I'm going to start myself up after Thanksgiving.

*I will be a part of the Union as of tomorrow at 1:00 p.m. So I'll work at least once a week.

*I will do sets of 25 bike crunches and 7 push ups every hour at my normal day jobs. Full stretch sets before bed and when I wake up.

*Nights at home I will dance for 30-60 min.

*I will write, orchestrate and mix at least one classical and one metal song per month. I will start practicing cello again.

*I will properly schedule my life. Because being late and cancelling plans is really not my style.

*I will make a proper black, lace corset. I've needed one for years and it's high time I just suck up and make it. Plus I can take Damien up on his commission offer to make the bones for it, so it will be a good corset.

*Move.

*And for fuck's sake. I'll either fix this printer or get a new one. Going on 2 years without a printer, this is absurd.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

2008-11-17T21:27:46Z

Saturday was game. And my brother called me from an unknown number with this whole story about being jumped and going to the hospital. I wouldn't have answered if I'd known it was him, but since I did I alerted my mother with a text message and then went back to game. I certainly wasn't going to do anything about it. She called me about it, proceeded to yell at me for 5 minutes before I hung up on her and stalked back into game.

As it turns out, the little bastard lied again. Little things get under my skin so much more when this shit happens and I got in a big argument with Ken, blew off hanging out with our friends and generally acted like an asshole. I am perfectly ashamed of myself, even though the people I blew off forgave me and my boyfriend is an angel. So the next day I called my mother and told her that until she leaves my father and goes into therapy I no longer want to be a part of her world. I called my brother and told him that until he's sober and honest I will not be in his life. So I effectivly divorced myself from my family yesterday and I swear to god I will stick with it.

The problem is that I now have to rethink everything I grew up believing to be true. I have to reorient my proverbial compass. And I need to find a family because the one thing I do believe is true, is that family is critical. Family isn't always the people who share your blood; my family certainly doesn't act like a family should. The people who love you shouldn't drain you and make you feel weaker for having them around. They are the ones who should add their strength to yours, and yours to theirs, so you all become stronger for it. I need to learn to find that and to cobble together my own family now, because I really don't think that isolating myself is a good idea. While every fiber of my being does not want to be close to people, and screams that I'll only be betrayed and abandoned again I know that's the cowardly answer and the one that's kept me here for so long. I allowed and enabled a very bad relationship with my mother because she was the "only one who had never abandoned me", but in truth, I've been on my own for a long time with a parasite devouring my energy. But since I've been conditioned for so long that leaving my family would be wrong (and just like Adam) I feel like I'm doing the most heinous thing possible. But logically I'm not abandoning them and I'm not really leaving. I'm just stopping enabling a situation that only continues to get worse and only hurts me. I haven't gotten anything I've needed from this relationship for as long as I can remember. And it's not like I've done a lick of good, no matter how many hours I've spent on the phone, days I've spent on busses and rescues and interventions I've attempted. So for the first time in my life I'm cutting all of the cords I've had as "safety" (but were really codependance and fear) and just putting it all out there. And the first person I turned to with this whole mess caught me before I hit the ground and shattered. Because that's what family does.

"So thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain"

2008-11-12T02:54:26Z

It's amazing how little things make life so much better. A 9:30am set call right off the E train, black-painted nails and a few chapters of George R R Martin later and I feel almost human again. Plus I really REALLY didn't expect people to respond to the last post, since it required actually picking up the phone. And yet I got a bunch of texts and calls today, just random ::hugs:: and stuff. And, of course, sparkley-poofs. My job is still a pain in the ass, my iPod is still broken, the plumbing (and electricity and space issues and bug-problem) in my house is still a mess but it's all going to get better. I am going to make so much money this week, which will take a serious dent out of my Union initiation. Tomorrow I get to sleep next to Ken. And this weekend I'm doing nothing but relaxing. Not A Thing.

For now I'm going to do a mini-work out and clean my room because that helps me think better. For the record, thanks for the calls, txts and general good wishes. I don't have to be having a meltdown for random calls etc. to be appreciated though. I always love to talk to the people who actually want to talk to me!

"I know what people say..."

2008-11-11T02:33:22Z

It's been coming for the last couple of weeks but I seriously need to get the fuck away from everyone for a while. I feel like I'm melting into a gelatanious glob of stress, panic and horror at this point and I can't cope anymore. I'm working three jobs and still can't seem to make ends meet. Everything I have either belongs to someone else or is second hand and either way, it's broken. People keep saying things I don't understand and expecting me to infer things from the things they say. And I am so everloving sick of people getting down my case. Guess what? I'm 22. If I need to caffinate my system to get through a day when I woke up at 4am and stood in the cold in a miniskirt for 10 hours, I'm a big enough girl to be able to do it. Yeah, I'll get really REALLY hyper and crash...but that's my choice. I'm sick of people in my business and saying that it's caring. There are about 3 people on this earth that actually care about me. Everyone else is just plain nosey. I fix things. I make things. I create stuff from raw materials and sometimes from nothing at all. And occasionally I explode into a thousand pieces and put em back in an order I can cope with. And having 50,000 people claiming to care so they can watch the fireworks just makes me want to kill them all. There's a show they won't soon forget.

Sorry, but I'm turning the comments off on this one. If you've got something to say to me about this, don't be a pussy. Pick up the phone. Otherwise I don't really give a shit about what you have to say at this point anyway.

Dorky Musings

2008-10-22T19:19:08Z

Bruce Wayne wasn't a superhero. He was a rich kid with his heart in the right place. Without the assets of the Wayne fortune, he wouldn't have had engineers at his beck and call, he wouldn't have had the zenith of technology to play with and no one would have cared about a guy who just wants to do the right thing.

I've been thinking about this alot and it annoys the crap out of me. Everyone loves this guy for being rich...he's not especially talented, he's not exceptional in any way except for being the richest man in Gotham. He's a mediocre fighter with a supercool jumpsuit and a hot ride. ANYONE could be a superhero on that budget. It can be argued that the fact that he chose to use his assets in that way is what makes him a superhero. But then again, how many more people would do the right thing if they could afford it? Especially with the condition of the world (the environment, global economy, general attitude) I can think of many people who want to improve it but can't be Brangelina and support a massive family while donating millions of dollars to deserving charities. Only the rich can make enough of a difference to be considered useful. The middle class is quickly becoming like Yeti and the poor aren't getting any less destitute. Who's going to magic us out of this one?

One Deaf Kitten

2008-09-30T04:43:36Z

The short story:

I went to the doctor today. The good news is that my eardrum is not punctured. This explains why there was only minimal blood (and not the kind to worry about) when the trauma occured. The current theory is that the bones behind the eardrum are either fractured or misaligned at the moment which is causing the hearing loss. I had to go to a specialist and an audiologist, and the final report will come in the next little while when the doctor has a chance to look over the audiologist's findings.

If they agree that the bones have been fractured or misaligned I will need surgery to partially or fully repair the damage, since if it was going to heal itself it would have done so a month or more ago.

And I didn't bite the doctor.

"When it rains I don't mind, let me stand here all night."

2008-08-29T20:45:02Z

Since it seems like I'm going to be deaf until further notice, I've been trying to find people who do ASL so I can learn. So far very little luck, but today I found this site:

http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm

I really like it alot. As opposed to trying to learn from pictures, there's a little video of someone doing the sign for the word that I can just copy. I'm finding it extremely easy to pick up, and reading hands is far easier than reading lips. Plus I think I'm getting better...the mumbling is getting louder and when someone is very close to me and speaking in a normal tone of voice somewhere where there isn't any ambient noise I can hear them.

In other news, Death Race was a mindblowingly great movie. Take that with a small planet of salt though. Never trust a stunt actor on the topic of action movies. Death Race had minimal plot, minimal character development but the stunts were obscene and just once in my life I have to enact this stunning aerial car flip they did. That bastard had to have spun 8 times sideways (trans.: the car doors are up and down, body of the car is horizontal) and then dropped onto a truck. Seriously, if I do that I can die happy.

After the movie Paul and I decided to drink (hehe, as we do) and by the time we got back to my house to continue drinking, I was tipsy enough to really sing for him. And he thought I was good *eee!* so...guess Enter Entropy is happening. And I'm learning guitar.

The broken dream was holding her behind....I will live again inside

2008-07-30T04:26:08Z

The zombie question today was just too much fun:

Would I be prepared for a zombie attack? Fuck yes. My roomie is on Zombie Squad and my best friend is a friggin army ranger. And we all know how to shoot with various degrees of awesomeness. A zombie attack would be the best excuse ever for me to be surrounded by my favourite people, because they're all totally badass! We'd save the world...just to light it on fire!

In other news of mayhem, next week is metal week because my guitarist is a GOD and somehow managed to get tix to the Mayhem Festival on Long Island. We're seeing Judas Priest, Motorhead, Slipknot, Disturbed, Dragonforce, Mastodon and a zillion other bands. For twenty bucks. So I'm spending two days drunk, moshing, crowd surfing and headbanging with some amazing people.

I'm also probably going to be working on a movie with John Hurt. Who I love very very VERY much...and not just for V for Vendetta. And I'm one voucher away from becoming a SAG actor. And I got paid today. And I finished the song for the movie. Things are going so well and they don't show signs of going anywhere but up from here!

"They will see us waiving from such great heights, 'come down now!' they'll say..."

2008-07-26T01:39:59Z

I have had the best day. Ever. My perfect day (and the reason I've wanted to move to LA) was auditioning or working and then hitting the beach. Today I had an amazing audition in which I was told that I was EXACTLY what the people had in mind (so I may be getting ready to go to Germany...ee!)and then hit the beach with a good friend. Proceeded to go swimming in a very warm Atlantic for hours and pass out in the sun on the beach. When I first got to the beach, I called in to my agency to check on the Gossip Girl call for Monday and it turns out they'd already booked me for it! So I was relaxing on the beach in good company, knowing that I have another SAG waiver coming to me on Monday as well as a much needed paycheck. Plus Paul remembered to give me the flash drive he's been saving for me. 300 new metal songs for meeeeee!

I called my mom to tell her all of the great news so far. Turns out, she had some of her own. Instead of closing along with the hospital, the doctor she's working for is going off on her own practice...and taking mom with her!! So my mom got a raise and dental benefits and gets to keep the job she loves! It's a bit more of a commute, but at least she's now been unequivically told that she's a valuable person in the workplace. Win.

On my way home I talked to my director from Altar, who decided that if I get my third waiver, he, as well as the entire HHP team would consider it an investment to get me into SAG. Meaning....my first year of dues would be a present. I'm still digesting this. It's one thing to be the leading lady of an amazing indie company, but it's another to know that they're THAT much behind me. Totally over the moon!!!!!

While I was talking to him, I managed to spill manic panic ultra violet dye on my favourite brown skirt. Somehow I also managed to get this off of said skirt. I didnt even know that was possible. It's HAIR DYE for chrissake!

To put the cherry on top of this wonderful day, I opened my email to find one from one of my fave casting directors to work with. Turns out I made the cut and am officially in the Kiehl's commercial.

So that concludes my brilliant and amazing day. Time to go hang out with my brilliant and amazing friends which will only enhance this amazing day. As Derek says: "Life's good. And it's good to be back".

Cuz we're gonna have a fun night! Fun night!

2008-07-25T02:11:50Z

So....guess who's not going to LA after all. We sat on the tarmac for 5 and a half HOURS before we were told to disembark. This was after hearing that the plane required heavy maintainance at the beginning of boarding, being told the average wait was 20 minutes, then 40, then that the average taxi time was an hour and fourty minutes. Then we were told we would be cleared for takeoff, then that we were going back to the gate to disembark and get back on, then that we needed to change to a different runway and wre going t take off shortly. We were second in line to take off and I started smelling fuel...so did a few of us. And as the plane in front of us took off, we were told that we couldn't take off (for an undisclosed reason) and were returning to the gate. So I got off the damn plane. Then there were no flights to Burbank for the next 2 days. Long story short, clearly I'm not meant to be in LA at this moment. I was awakened to one of my agents calling to ask if I could go on a national commercial audition (iPhone) which, if I book, will take me to GERMANY!!! So that's my tomorrow. Hopefully someone will want to come to the beach with me, because once I'm done with the audition, I'm totally hitting the beach. Hey, just because I'm not in LA doesn't mean I can't act like it. :) It sucks though...I was really psyched to see my buddy down there. But we're planning on taking a vacation (!!!) in Malibu soon. And I'm going to be in LA in November with Altar anyway.

Creepy thing with the audition: I'd need a passport (which I dont have) to go to Germany and I'd need it expidited. The exact cost? $330. Exactly how much I was refunded for my ticket to LA.

In other news, I'm in a new short called Grim Reaper where I play an emo bitch who gets her heart LITERALLY ripped out. I get a combat sequence - it's awesome! I'm also on IMDb now!!!!! I'm so amped about that. And I'm probably going to be on set for Gossip Girl again Monday. I'm already in episode 4 which airs in September.

I sent in my formal resignation for that wretched job that's been giving me an ulcer. $75 does not cover the agony they're putting me through and I'm making more than that on Gossip Girl anyway. Much more. And having fun. And getting SAG waivers! I've never quit a job like this and I feel a little bad. Just not bad enough to keep putting up with this crap.

...but other than that, I've been totally bored. :P

Okay, I'll say it:

2008-07-10T00:23:23Z

For all of you who've been harassing me to perform live, here it is.

Sunday, JULY 13th at 7 pm
296 Ninth Avenue (@28th Street)

Playing at least 2 new songs, so don't miss it.

And all of the money raised goes to the BIGGEST soup kitchen in New York City

So many good reasons to show up. So do it.

Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright.

2008-07-05T02:34:04Z

I get to go home tomorrow! I'm looking so very forward to sleeping in my bed with my AC on and no cat hair. I love these kittens, don't get me wrong, but I'm covered in cat hair and quite allergic. When I get my own kittens, they're not coming in my bedroom. I know they love beds, and I'm going to have an ultra comfy couch for that purpose. But I need to put my face on a pillow and not sneeze or feel an urgent need to remove my eyeballs, wash them with cold water and pop em back in.

The alcohol battle needs to end now because it almost won last night and I scared the everloving crap out of my buddy who I was with. I'm covered in bruises and I have these giant bumps on my arms and legs that itch unbelievably bad. They look like hives but I'm not sure. So now I'm in a sobriety pact with another alkie...we stay sober until Friday and then talk about it. Meanwhile we're on call for eachother, either for moments of urgently needing a drink or to vent/talk about the things that usually drive us to drink. Being alone with my thoughts is so hard right now. But I keep reminding myself that if my friend is in this pact too, at least we've got each other. And another is joining the pact if he gets drunk tonight. He said he wouldnt and he'd only have two beers, so we'll see. I'm betting I'm going to have another person in on this one. We'll be like AA only cool and not god related. I was sober one night this week (because I was asked to be), I've barely slept and I feel like hell. This isn't living, this isn't fun. It's foolish and childish and I'm terrified that once I stop I won't get better. I'm also worried that people will disappeare when I no longer party with them all of the time. I don't want to be the way I was before this all started because I was lonely even though I didnt know it. But I want to at least try and get better and go down fighting. Right now I'm running scared and that's not me at all. I'd like for my friends to be able to see me as ME not as sick and scared and drunk and in pain.

And oddly enough I've had more people tell me that they love me in the last two days than I ever have in my life. My grandfather, who up until yesterday I hadn't spoken to in like 5 years, who is the most ornery and combative person alive, who still whistles for his wife to come into the room, who said I was worthless because I was a girlchild...that grandfather told me he loved me last night. Everyone in the car looked absolutly shocked because that's as out of character for him as you get. It makes me think that maybe even my dad feels that way too but isn't old enough to say it yet. Knowing my dad, he'll mutter it over my urn. I'm still unable to accept that maybe all of those people (or some of them) really do love me. This whole mess with Mikey hit pretty hard and I'm having an impossible time trusting anyone. I want to more than anything. I want to get my shit back on track, but the bomb got dropped when that bastard decided to move here and I was still picking up the pieces when the other shoe dropped in the middle of the mess. And this fucking "impending actor's strike" is not making me smile so much either. I think I'm going to do a play...live theater is a pain in my ass, but it will let me play at least. Maybe a musical if there's no good Shakespeare around.

I can kick drinking this time. This time I have people with me to support me. I always thought of it as a crutch, but as my buddy Ken said "Theres a world of difference between crutches and support...crutches dont hold buildings!" So basically, I'm a house.

"Can I get my punk ass off the street I've been living on..."

2008-05-07T04:23:56Z

The song "Graduate" by Third Eye Blind just came on, and I dont know why, but I felt compelled to write in this thingie again. Maybe it's because I've been forced to think more than usual. Maybe it's the song. I know I should be nostalgic for college (frankly, I'm still waiting for the high school nostalgia to kick in!) but all I can do is look forward. I dont like my past, I'm glad it's done. The future is brighter than anything else. I find myself re-telling my past as explanation for who I am now, and the fact is the past cannot be allowed that much power. And in my weird frame of mind, "Graduate" turned into a song about leaving the bullshit behind and wondering if I can move forward. And the fact is, I'm good n ready and already rolling.

On a side note because I'm too embaressed to call, I miss you Dave. I'm sorry I haven't called.

purple_rockstar @ 2008-02-07T17:38:00

2008-02-07T22:43:03Z

Things are insane as usual.
*Altar has gone into production and will be a bloody amazing movie. *Composition for 47th Floor is at a standstill til Gary tells me what I'm doing.
*I'm lucky to have a couple of friends who I can turn to in emergency situations. It makes everything better and easier.
*I have new headshots, which once the immediate narrowing-down process is complete, I'll post on my myspace in a folder. If you dont have the link, I'll post it here.
*Harley Davidson Commercial is an almost definite go.
*Graduating really agrees with me. My new home agrees with me even more.
*I'm finding LJ to be a waste of better spent time.

"Always surround yourself with people smarter than you."

2008-01-13T01:36:57Z

Well, I thought I broke my foot. So rather than staying in my room, I got a call from my friend who's normally in LA and walked all over nyc with him. We walked from Washington Square to Central park, to the far west side of the park, then all the way back to 28th and Lex for some awesome Indian food. Needless to say, hurt like a motherfucker. Also needless to say, "walk it off" has always been one of my mottos. That and "fucking hell OW!". So my verdict is that the stupid thing isn't broken but I probably sprained it or strained the shite outta the muscles while running all over Manhattan and Queens in dysfunctional snowboots that leak! Luckily, no trenchfoot. Anyway, this friend is one of the nicest people on the planet, and probably the only one that could have gotten me out of my house today, given my run of luck the last few. We talked about life, the universe and everything. I came up with ways for him to get a motorcycle (yep, news to me...of the best variety! he's so not a biker!!) and he decided that my cycle of ickyness in relationships is because...I'm marriage material. Once I was done laughing my ass off, I asked him what would posess him to think that. He explained that I'm an amazingly good friend, even to my own detriment and that I have my priorities straight. I know I want a career, I'm sensible about it and I work my butt off for what I do. The only thing that gives me pause are the people I care about needing me. He says that that's exactly what most people want in a wife. Somone who's got their shit together, who's caring and sensible and will love them for them, and when shit hits the fan will help put it all back together rather than running for the hills. And ya know what? If that's what marriage material is, I guess I'll be a great wife without even trying. But I'm not going to stop being who I am for anything.

I realize I'm losing time under the clear blue sky....

2007-12-12T04:52:16Z

When my supervisor told me a couple of months ago that it would more than likely be fine for me to stay at my dorm over winter break and work at the desk. "Perfect," think I. "I'll be able to work 80 hour weeks and save up some money for rent!" So when my boss informed me THIS MORNING that the information was false and I'd have to vacate my room by the 21st, I was...indescribable. Re-reading the email through bleary eyes, I realized that yes, my boss really is that big of an asshole. Not only do I lose some serious pay, I have to move on the 21st to...where?

So I sit through Ethics trying to ignore my own ethical dilemma and focus on Kant's (his was much worse...seriously, the categorical imperative is such a crock!) and then go to my other job. Where I figure I'm going to be fired for taking a forced month or two off.

Instead my amazing boss solves the whole damn problem! Starting on December 31st, he needs a house and cat sitter. He needs somone he can trust with his house and with his babies while he's in India. So from December 31st thru January 17th, I'm saved! I stick my crap in storage (after I find out how the hell much that costs) and go live with fuzzlets after a 1 week break at home! And not only all that, but he's paying me $20 a day to stay there. That gives me more than enough time to solidify my housing situation and an actual honest-to-god BREAK in the city, so if my agent calls I can be all excited.

I dont know how it happens, but somehow things always come out for me. It's insane! PS: 3 days sober.